The Last American Virgin
So here it is: the first review of Second Runnings! And the first review award goes to The Last American Virgin, a 1982 teen sex romp comedy/drama about a guy named Gary who longs for a girl at his school named Karen. Why does this movie get the first review award, you ask? What is so special about this movie? Well, nothing really. I just happen to have watched it last night.
Read on for the full review! But be warned: the review contains spoilers!
Gary is a typical 80s horny teen, along with his best friends, Rick and David. Rick is obviously the good-looking jock of the group who gets all the girls (played by Steve Antin, probably best known for yelling the line, “Andy! You Goonie!”). David is the stereotypical fat, goofball comic relief friend, and Gary is the middle man. Not great looking by any standards, but decent enough. Not comfortable around women, especially when he sees Karen for the first time. He’s completely speechless, even though he’s practically dry-humping her leg at the local burger joint. He gets so close to her that he could count hairs on her head, yet he can’t utter a word.
Gary and his friends have some typically comedic sexual run-ins with various women, ranging from a trio of girls they met at the burger stand, to an under-sexed Charo-esque Latina who sleeps with pretty much any man who comes to her door, to an incredibly nasty looking and rude prostitute. But behind it all is Gary’s love for Karen.
Of course, Karen doesn’t know about Gary’s feelings, and she hooks up with Rick. After dating for awhile, Rick and Karen finally do the deed, after which point, Rick dumps Karen and tries to cut off all contact with her. Unfortunately, she is pregnant. Gary steps up and offers to help her with the abortion and the recovery. Gary does everything for Karen, including telling her that he loves her, and Karen rewards him in the end with a kiss. Gary thinks everything is wonderful and he finally has the girl of his dreams.
He goes out and buys a necklace for her birthday. When he arrives at her birthday party, he finds Karen kissing Rick again. Karen sees Gary. Gary leaves. Gary drives away crying. Roll credits.
See? That’s what sets this movie apart from the rest of the 80s teen sex comedies. The last 20 minutes of this movie bring what would be a fairly simplistic movie with mediocre, and sometimes cheesy, acting, to a different level. You’re sitting through this low-brow, tit-filled movie for an hour and a half, expecting the typical happy ending where the girl realizes what a fool she’s been and finally gets with her knight in shining armor. But then this movie just takes that sudden turn into uncharted territory. It’s brutally realistic. Teenage girls don’t have any idea what they really want out of life. I’m sorry, all of you teenage girls, but it’s true. This movie captures that youthful indecision and packages it into a swift slap to the face.
Now for the breakdown:
Acting: 4 (out of 10)
The acting in this movie is really sub-par. You can almost see the actors reading cue cards off-scene. Lawrence Monoson (Gary) turns in a performance hampered by extreme over-acting, turning every Karen-Gary scene into an exercise in pouting. Steve Antin (Rick), Joe Rubbo (David), and Diane Franklin (Karen) are all equally horrible in their respective roles. The bright points in the acting come from the supporting characters. Carmella, the under-sexed Latina, is hilarious, even during her sex scenes. When she calls David her “big burrito”, you can’t help but laugh.
Story: 6 (out of 10)
Again, this movie would have fallen by the wayside if it hadn’t been for that swift kick to the testicles in the last scene where Gary finds Karen kissing Rick. That alone is enough to raise this movie up to a 6.
Writing: 5 (out of 10)
The script is decent, even if the storyline is typical. There is enough humor in the script to justify a 5. Some good jokes, well written scenes (the prostitute scene is scary enough to ward off any potential Johns), and great, cheesy lines. What do you expect from Boaz Davidson, the man who brought us such classics as Delta Force 3: The Killing Game or Spiders 2: Breeding Ground?
Directing: 5 (out of 10)
Yeah, not much to say here. Some scenes were directed well. Others, eh, not so good. I never felt like the director was able to do much with his actors, which is not a good sign for the director’s abilities. The worse the director, the better the actor has to be to overcome that shortcoming. The fact that the actors couldn’t turn in anything decent reflects badly on the ability of writer/director Boaz Davidson.
Overall: 5 (out of 10)
If not for the last 20 minutes of this movie, it’d probably deserve a 2 or 3 overall. Plenty of nudity (including a fat man’s hairy white ass…ew). Some decent 80s-style humor. Cheesy acting. Etc., etc., etc. Come for the boobies, stay for the ending.
Leave a Reply